Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Things I want my son to know when he's 16 and peeling out of the driveway in his father's nice car with his hair-flipping gum-chewing girlfriend in the front seat.

1) I sucked snot out of your nose with my mouth and a tube and just a sad little foam filter between me and a mouthful of... sorry. I'm gagging. I can't finish the thought and hold down my breakfast, but the important thing to know is, if the only thing standing between me and your comfort level is a mouth-powered snot-sucking hose, you can count on me to do it every time.

2) At 2 a.m., I changed your crib sheets and vacuumed your room in hopes it would help rid you of congestion, while you watched, half asleep, from the changing table. Funny, just over a year ago this was about the same time I could be found ordering my last beer and closing down the bar with your father.

3) I thought you may have allergies so I spent all of my special Christmas money I had received as a gift from your Great Grandmother to have the air ducts cleaned - only to see a 0% difference in your level of comfort. And strangely, I can't say that I entirely regret it.

4) I've taken you to the doctor no less than 5 times in 7 weeks because the sound of your stuffy little nose breaks my big Mama-heart. (Distinctly different from a big-mama heart.)

5) I want you to be comfortable, so I sometimes loosen the waist on your diaper so it doesn't cinch your belly on long car rides.

6) When you're sick, I ask your father no less than 101 times to please not kiss you. My request is typically denied within moments, often times based on the rock-solid argument that "you're just too cute."

7) No one is a better buddy to you than your dad. He watches you like a kid watches an unwrapped gift at Christmas: bursting with anticipation. He has bought numerous toys well beyond your appropriate age group because he's concerned these clearly aMAZing playsets may not be available when you're old enough to play with them. And he repeatedly asks when we can anticipate developmental milestones like crawling, walking and talking so he can finally play with you.

8) Your sister cannot keep her hands off you. She repeatedly asks, "How did you make him so cute?!" I tell her that we took a little cuteness from all of us and gave it to you.

9) To aid in your digestion, I've committed to omit dairy from my diet. I love milk, and ice cream is my freaking favorite. Just remember that you were a little bit more my favorite than anything else in the world.

10) Your sister is dangerously beautiful, which is no doubt going to make for some pretty vicious years for your parents. By the time you're a teen, we'll be exhausted. Please be nice to us, make smart choices and ask yourself if that hair-flipping girl in your front seat just looks good or actually makes you look good for being the one who won her over, because those are two very different things.

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